Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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