I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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