My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
