I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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