after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
