I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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