It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
