Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
