Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
