No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
