Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
