Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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