this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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