[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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