I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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