tell your sister to shave her snatch
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
