I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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