Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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