Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
