Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
