dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
