Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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