Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
