Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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