I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
