Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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