He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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