I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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