I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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