My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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