my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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