Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
