i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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