so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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