We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
