someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
