I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
