His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
