so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
