I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
