I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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