Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
