There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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