Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
