Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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