thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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