I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
