I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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