the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
