I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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