apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
