Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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