i need an iv and a liver transplant
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
